Biblical Alternative Universes

Those who have studied religion in general -- and the history of monotheism in particular -- may have come across the writings of the British poet, Robert Graves. His is a name well known to the neo-pagan movement, including Wiccans, and all manner of earth religionists, especially for his witchy study of nature symbolism in mythology and poetry, The White Goddess. During a decade's involvement with the occult, I was told that I must read Graves' breathtaking book, but no one mentioned that the most important passage happens to be a footnote, such was the breadth of Graves' genius.

In the footnote, he utters a heresy that should shake the socks off Christian fundamentalists, including the "evangelical" movement. (Evangelical is in quotations because it is a euphemism for strict interpretation of the Bible, and especially the gospel of John of Patmos, but more on that momentarily. Certain elements in our society love to employ euphemisms such as "intelligent design," "pro-life," and "evangelical," when they want to avoid the obvious: that the stinkweed still smells as sour no matter what name you give it. In other words: creationism, anti-abortion, and fundamentalist.)

Graves's apostacy boils down to his argument, supported by his source material, that John "the Divine" (a Greek exile, to the island of Patmos) wrote his Revelation in a form of code similar to what Kabalah fans call gematria, the manipulation of letter/number correspondences to unearth occult insights. The Greek form, isopsepia, was John's version of the Nazi enigma, only in his case, it was used for "good" purposes.

Why bother? Well, most of Western civilization at the time was Roman. The Romans were intercepting messages, having put into place a pre-Patriot Act security system that often exposed those who secretly worshipped the Pale Galilean. The current culprit, Nero Caesar, used Christians as lion-bait in the Colosseum, and when someone set fire to Rome, guess who got blamed? (It was an early dress rehearsal for the Kristallnacht.) Intercepted gospels were grounds for torture and death. Hence, the necessity of writing in isopsepia.

Drawing from his sources, Graves wrote that by isopsepia, the number/letter correspondence for "the Great Beast" (666) happens to be Nero Caesar. Duh! John was writing about current, not future events. The Book of Revelations was never meant to draw such foregone conclusions as a Rapture, Armageddon in the Holy Land, or any of that nonsense. The entire interpretation is a fabrication of people who emulate Jebus about as much as Nixon emulated Gandhi. If Jebus were here today, he'd be pissed. All of the greedy, contemptible snake oil being sold in his name. He would consign all evangelicals to the bowels of Hell, where he's reserved a special place for televangelists.

Acknowledgment of the historical basis for John's gospel would completely demolish evangelical (and especially dominionist) notions of an eschatology that includes the rise of the Anti-Christ, the establishment of a Zionist state in the Holy Land, and the coming of the Messiah, with the Rapture and all the rest of the science fiction horror story Christers have fashioned of a false interpretation of the New Testament. That would hurt book sales of the whole silly "Left Behind" sort and make people like Sarah Palin look like the Dangerous Lunatic she is. Not only did Senator McShame show poor judgment in selecting a running mate, he got more than he bargained for: a woman who believes in witchcraft and witch hunting; whose tortured and sexist interpretation of Christer dogma would have us take the lives of a loved one rather than help her have an abortion, and whose record at home in Alaska included inquiry into the censoring of books inconsistent with her narrow minded fundamentalist religious beliefs.

Where is Luis Buñuel when we really need him? A Buñuel could have fun with the themes that are presented in the theocractic farce that is thrust upon us. Fundamentalist Christers live in an alternative universe, that much is for sure. They believe so strongly (and misguidedly) in Armageddon, they'll do anything to bring it about. For them, the Final War is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wish they wouldn't take all the rest of us along for the ride. After all, some of us have enough imagination to dream up alternative universes of our own. For example, I happen to think that the Anti-Christ might be McShame, and Palin is his Scarlet Woman.

Makes just as much sense as fundamentalist Christeranity. All of the fundamentalist religious movements are the same in their resort to hysterical means to illogical ends, as witness the Muslim mistranslation of the Koran, a word meaning "grapes" having been mistranslated as "virgins." Yes, all of those lunatics playing martyr with plastic explosives won't find 72 virgins in Paradise, but 72 grapes! Theocratically, the only difference between Sarah Palin and Osama bin Laden is that one doesn't wear lipstick.

God's Wet Dream

I am sure that I am so evil, I must be the cause of Ike coming directly at my house in South Texas. That is because God always punishes evil doers who have sinned. God treats humanity so meanly and arbitrarily he can only be a very perverse god. God is always punishing us for the things we do even if we haven't done them. Jimmy Carter, after all, said he'd sinned in his heart. Since Rev. Hagee (and thus Sen. John McShame) believe that Katrina was visited upon New Orleans because of homosexuals, I can only conclude God is sending us this hurricane to punish the queers. Curiously, though, he named the hurricane "Ike" and as everyone knows Eisenhower was a Republican president. Perhaps the hurricane is the Ghost of Eisenhower trying to tell us again about the military-industrial complex. All of our money is going to war. I think storms like Ike -- and I still don't like Ike -- are sent by God during his wet dreams about human beings.

Now, it occurs to me, why presume God is Hagee's; the destroying deity might be Allah for all we know. If the Jihadists are correct, my town is prime territory: site of a Naval Base and uploading of a significant portion of sea cargo headed for the Mideast. Maybe bin Laden asked Allah to bring Ike upon us. If this is so, the Christers will be hard put to prove their god is better than bin Laden's god. But if we start blaming Allah, we speed up Armageddon, which could only please Gov. Failin', Flyboy John, and Rev. Hagee. I mean, wasn't he the guy who said Hitler was God's gift to Christers because Hitler chased all the Jews out of Europe to end up settling in the Holy Land, right out of Revelations, right?

Capitalist Pigs For Jesus

Gosh, gee, golly, I see by the papers that a Continental Airlines stewardess is suing the wife of master snake oil salesman Joel Osteen the TV "pastor" for throwing a snit on a flight from Houston to the couple's Vail, CO. ski lodge condo, resulting in a four figure fine paid to the FAA for "interfering with a crew member." It seems Victoria Osteen went bonkers when it appeared to her that the crew was not hopping to her orders concerning a small stain on her First Class seat.

The Osteens hired famed Texas hotshot lawyer Rusty Hardin to defend Victoria. Hardin formerly represented Opra Winfrey in defending herself from defamation allegations by the Texas meat industry. Hardin ain't cheap. The Osteens may have had to turn up the air conditioners in their dog houses just to afford a lawyer like that.

Not that Joel's 40,000-member -- weekly -- congregation is going to care. They're so totally immersed in jerky Joel's message of prosperity, happiness, and self-aggrandizement they don't think Victoria is capable of any wrong. The fun part of the trial is that the stewardess, Sharon Brown, requested punitive damages, which allowed her attorney to obtain "discovery" of the Osteens' net worth. This is the very sort of thing Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) has been seeking from a handful of super-rich new wave Christeranity pastors, but Grassley and his committee have run into snags: most of the tycoon preachers refuse to cooperate, citing 1st Amendment grounds. The Osteens had to cough up detailed records pertaining to their pocketbooks.

Only if the jury finds that Victoria Osteen did what she did with malice or reckless disregard for Ms. Brown's rights can a jury award punishment damages, so Hardin will do everything he can to minimize the actions of his client. He's already labeled Ms. Brown's physical injuries as "aggravated hemorhhoids." Before it's over, he's going to have Brown attacking Victoria.

I would be lying if I claimed I have nothing personal against Joel Osteen. Sometimes, Sunday mornings I leave the TV room and don't always catch the end of a favorite political pundit program that is followed each week by -- guess who? Joel. His sappy, whinny, pathetically wimpy, saccharine, hickishly cornball voice drives me to distraction. I have to jump up from what I'm doing, run into the TV room, and flip the channel. That is exercise of my 1st Amendment rights.

I just wish the 40,000 who go to his performances Sundays (and, presumably, the millions sitting at home) wouldn't call what he's selling "Christianity." It isn't. It's feel good capitalism in its most selfish, deluded form. The original Christians were communists (small "c" please!). They believed in sharing wealth, not hoarding it like Joel and his cult members. Unlike the happy little acquisition-obsessed suburbanites in Joel's church, the ancient Christians held that "ownership" and "property" were alien and of the devil. Everything was share and share alike.

One can imagine Joel's response to this simple suggestion. He would find a way to spin Jesus's famous remark that a rich man will no sooner enter the Kingdom than a camel shall pass through the eye of a needle. He would say that nothing in his religion prohibits a good Christian from enjoying the best life has to offer, and that nothing in the "Good Book" requires a good Christian to become a pauper.

(Later): The Osteen's jury let them off the hook. I wonder when Americans will wake up and see these cornball televangelist shuck artists for what they are: snake oil salesmen. If I were a person of faith, I'd put it somewhere else -- perhaps the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or Santa Claus. There is as much history and science supporting those beliefs as for Yahweh-Jehovah and his son, the pale Galilean. Joel Osteen cares about one thing and one thing only: making money. His wife looks like she was separated at birth from her Siamese twin, Cindy McCain. Rumor has it that Joel is so spineless he lets Victoria make all his decisions for him. It figures. Nietzsche said Christeranity was the worst catastrophe to befall mankind because it deprived us of our will. Joel is its reduction to absurdity.